He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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