I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
