I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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