Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
