Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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