just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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