Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
