does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
