moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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