Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
