My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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