i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
