This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
