How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
