she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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