the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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