So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
