The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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