don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
