Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
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Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
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Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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