Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
