This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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