Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
