My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
