I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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