Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
