8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
