OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Me too!
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
