What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
