It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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