I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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