words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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