i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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