Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
