just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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