I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
