five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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