worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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