I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
