when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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