Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
