Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
