I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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