dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
