Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
