Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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