She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
