All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
