I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
