He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
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I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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