she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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