You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
