Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
