This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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