1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
