My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
