Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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