I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you