i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?