I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
