I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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